Dedicated to SS501 4D Leader Kim Hyun Joong

[Pexers Write-Ups] Battling the Inner Demons


Author:  AprilStarr

Physical things register on a scale. When we travel we want to keep within our limit as much as possible dreading to be told we have ‘excess baggage’. But it is easier to throw away our excess baggage or to even pay for it.

Our emotions carry weights as well but that we can’t measure but only feel that burden. We say ‘I have a heavy heart’ or ‘my shoulder feel as if am carrying the world’. Our emotions are harder to handle. No amount of sleep nor alcohol can fade them away. Perhaps just momentarily forget or blur them in our consciousness.

Many times it is not so much as having caused someone pain, but worse is having to live with guilt and regrets, and the ‘what if I had not done that ‘ litany. The feeling of disappointment with one’s self is simply overwhelming. To think what a person has gone through to be where one is now and saw it crumble is devastating. It is the battle of one’s inner demons.

A solo fight.

The battle is about all the things that went wrong. It is the difficulty of forgiving oneself. It is the burden no one can know but the person affected. It is that inward blaming.

It is easy to say to the person to forget what has happened when reminders are aplenty. There is a need to perhaps change places so that a new perspective may be gained from all that has happened. But the afflicted person needs a person to hear his view of things who isn’t judgemental, to figuratively hold his hands towards the path of healing.

Maybe one needs to write down his thoughts though they need to be processed. Did he hold himself to a certain standard or expectations? If he felt remorse that is good to correct what needs to be corrected. To not let that guilt develop into shaming and self-loathing. Worse is self-destruction.

From the way things seem to be even from afar KIm Hyun Joong is wounded. He needs to heal from all that beating. From all those thorns that tore through his heart. From all the accusations he received and quietly kept within.

He has courage to own his mistake and responsibilities. I salute him for turning to his parents for help and for his parents to show they are there for him. Always.

Though we cannot know nor feel his exact pains we all have been there one time or the other. It is part of our journey through life. We are after all human with all our imperfections. We have our weaknesses and strengths. We used different strategies to balance things up.

Time is a a good healer. So is love He need space to clear his thoughts. Someone to tell him he is a good person and for him to believe it. To love himself again.

He will have scars. It is good to have scars for it means the wound is healed. A person’s medal for his battles -battling his inner demons. Emerging the victor, he knows only he can pick himself up as he has done before.


Arts Credit:    Ruku Bebe Chew

Arts Credit: Thaty Perroni


 Tweet Credit: 

  • DSP Japan President Update ASKING! Emergency! Let’s send a message for him ( ) No to loneliness

Source:  https://www.facebook.com/hwaeun.koh

  Embedded image permalink

Reposting AprilStarr’s  Comments here ….

 There’s a name I came across to refer to this affliction on invasion of privacy : pathological intrusiveness.
The problem is someone is feeding info to the press.You know who that is. If she gets stressed as claimed, whose fault is that ?
If there is one putting all the blame on HJ at this point, he/she forgets one thing or just a case of selective amnesia. It takes two to tango. And the two are not children either. Two consenting adults.
Let their private lives remain private.

Btw, it’s getting tiring that there are people still going back and forth to his assault case which already went through two layers of SK Judicial system-the police and prosecution. He was fined for the one case he admitted bodily harm and apologized.
Is this system a laughing matter then to those who refuse to lay the case to rest?
Stop the madness of the court of biased public opinion. It is just spinning in a vicious cycle.

19 responses

  1. Noya

    Thank you Aprilstarr, beautiful as usual.
    As all of us here praying for a Miracle to happen, that all the lies, betrayal and manipulations of the psycho choi will be exposed to clear HJ.

    Never give up on you KHJ. Miracles happen everyday!

    Tuesday, March 10, 2015 at 5:55 am

  2. Manuja

    Everything will be ok… should be patient… KHJ dn’t confuse… U are really strong person. UNBREAKABLE… take care yourself… as Henecias we always with. But this is ur life KHJ… as our heart, u also should strong whatever happens in around ur world… It is your business… Think no one can destroy ur world, parents happiness… & dn’t allow to do it. Come back KHJ, with ur cute smile….

    Sunday, March 8, 2015 at 12:10 pm

  3. JAZU

    I think that, it is his business not ours, media, haters and friends. Sorry. Whatever he decides is his choice and personally wont affect me since what l support is the warm human being and the artist in him. Who cares his lovers and girlfriends. In the past there was a strong rumor that he was gay. I did not care then, I really enjoy what he offers and will be offering to us.
    His baby, ahhh……….. this little person. I bet he is more worried for the baby than himself, than Miss A, the media, parents, friends opinions.
    So, I only can say, BE WISE KHJL, show the world that you are a man of honor and that you always takes responsibility for your actions as well as pretect the ones you love. A big reason to be proud of you. Mistakes only are in our path to mature to learn lessons. How many scars will you have ,??? who knows, as it is your destiny, embrance them and do your best. Your life is neither easy, nor lighter to overcome but as you said once, I chose it. As we see the great kind and humble man you are, I only can say you, be strong, occasionally think about you too, protecting yoursef and healthly face that life.
    BABY WE LOVE YOU AND WE´LL WAITING FOR YOU.

    Friday, March 6, 2015 at 11:15 pm

    • JAZU

      Since English is not my language I got mistakes but I really like the way that Aprill writes, it is so well writing, I enjoy her poems and the way that she focus the problem, without leaving him. Thank you.

      Friday, March 6, 2015 at 11:24 pm

      • Aprilstarr

        You are doing great @JAZU . The important thing is you can write honestly what you feel.

        Saturday, March 7, 2015 at 10:27 am

  4. Yoli Fansler

    I am worried about him. It is fir sure he is suffering from depression. He did it before so I really hope he can cope. I am very sorry for him and his family. I am doing the only thing Im able to, Im praying fir him constantly. I am dissapointed of all of this but I remembered that in my early 20s I was a blind, crazy woman in love, so who am I to judge him? That woman is sick. He needs to go away and find himself. May Hod’s angels protect and comfort you Hyunnie, feel our loving prayers in your dispair, you are not alone, you are loved.

    Friday, March 6, 2015 at 9:16 pm

  5. Sandra Taylor

    Maybe Kim isn’t the one with the demons. Kim get well soon. I’ll pray for you and your family.

    Friday, March 6, 2015 at 4:52 pm

    • Aprilstarr

      It is just a figure of speech @Sandra Taylor meaning his emotions are strong within himself examining what went wrong, what he put his fans through, or that woman, his family, his career and all his hard work that can go down the drain.

      The external threats is something else which you may be referring to.

      Friday, March 6, 2015 at 8:02 pm

      • Atiq

        Thanks April. U write it beautifully. There’s always demon in every humanbeing but you are how u fighting against IT.

        “Be kind to people and don’t judge, for you do not know what demons they carry and what battles they are fighting.”
        ― Vashti Quiroz-Vega

        Saturday, March 7, 2015 at 12:24 am

  6. Tity

    Yes, What is the emergency than former dsp japan called for? I am also worried. No news on him. Koreans except fans must have hate him so much that he can’t even step a foot outside. Is he alright? Dad mentioned he is sick. Is he ok now? Can someone ask his omma at Jaksal Chicken? At this moment, I hope he is staying with omma and not alone in his house. Good news is kyu jong said other members are communicating with him to give support n encouragement. (fr Instagram). Everyday i try looking for updates on him but all i found is people go back to the assault case esp. editor Callmenoona at soompi. They always ignore the evidences put forward. Leader ah! How are u?

    Friday, March 6, 2015 at 9:41 am

    • Atiq

      They have realised that this Choi is something off with her brain, manipulative and definately not someone who seems used to be abused by her boyfriend. They know all the facts. They all have got the clue abt this nutty girl but because of their envious, because of the hates in their heart, they playing the words ABUSE the best they can to keep tarnised HJ’s image and smear his fans heart. They are cruel people. They think they do a great things but don’t realise that they actually the evil.

      Saturday, March 7, 2015 at 12:17 am

  7. Angie's Mom

    Beautifully written.

    The reason KHJ is being targeted is because the public is only being fed one side — Ms . Choi’s (aka Ms. A). I really admire how he wants to protect this woman and I truly believe he loves her. While Ms. Choi appears to be manipulative and deceitful, there is a saying “hell hath no fury like a woman scorned.” Maybe she is being this way because she is getting back at him for something that he did to her that we don’t know about. It’s not that I am making excuses for her, but the reality is we really don’t know the whole story. I feel it would be in KHJ’s best interest if he disclosed his side, in his own way, to the public not only for his career sake, but also for his emotional state. It was only after KHJ admitted that he did hurt Ms. Choi once, and only once, that the public badgering him died down.

    Friday, March 6, 2015 at 9:32 am

  8. Sara

    I hope everything goes fine with him, that girl is terrible woman. I won’t wish such woman to my enemy even

    Thursday, March 5, 2015 at 9:02 pm

  9. CAGOME

    FIGHTING!HOPE HE IS HEALTHY!I HAVE WORRIES!SOMEONE KNOW ABOUT HIM?

    Thursday, March 5, 2015 at 4:53 pm

  10. fanJoong

    It makes me worry too.
    I’m so sad for his case and ask myself many times: why did he do like this.
    So painful …
    Hope HJ is healthy

    Thursday, March 5, 2015 at 4:08 pm

  11. Than you so much AprilStaR.I speechless reading this. What you wrote is so true. It remind us to look into our heart to In my heart and recognize what we are doing. In my opinion he is a man of honor who I always admire. Thank you so much.

    Thursday, March 5, 2015 at 3:11 pm

    • Aprilstarr

      Always my pleasure to write about HJ and if it can help others understand his situation then I am most thankful.

      Saturday, March 7, 2015 at 1:55 pm

  12. Atiq

    What’s that emergency call abt?? That guy is ex-DSP staff? Is he knowing something?
    This make me worry…T_T

    Thursday, March 5, 2015 at 2:29 pm

  13. Pingback: [Pexers Write-Ups] Battling the Inner Demons | My Blog

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